Dear Trish,
I met a nice man online about a month ago. We go out frequently and seem to get along fairly well, but I have the sense there's something missing. I've only been dating him for a few weeks, but I suspect he's about to give me the boot. How can I tell if he's about to dump me?
- Nervously Waiting
Dear Nervously Waiting,
You didn't give me any specific behaviours that led you to this conclusion, so I can offer only general tips. Before you start ripping up his photographs or eating a pint of your favourite ice cream to soothe the pain, let's examine the situation more closely.
While a woman's intuition is strong, it can be overridden by other emotions like fear or insecurity.
Are you afraid of being dumped? Nobody likes to be, but it's part of dating, and it helps to be as philosophical about it as possible. This relationship is fairly new, so the stakes are still relatively low, aren't they? And isn't it better to know now rather than farther down the road when your lives are seriously entwined? Changing your attitude won't avoid the pain altogether, but it will help you get back in the dating game faster.
Or could it be that your self-esteem is a little low? Are you concerned that he's too good for you? Or simply convinced that this one will end as others have - in a break-up that leaves you gutted? Just because a relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean you're a bad or unworthy person. It just means you need to keep looking. There really is someone out there for everyone. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find him.
Be sure to check in with your gut before you go any further. Ask yourself if you really think he's going to break up or if you're just overly concerned about harmless behaviours.
Here are a few sure-fire signs that something's up:
He stops calling or checking in and/or stops taking your calls
He's suddenly unavailable for dates
He radically changes his look
He makes a lot of pathetic excuses
If this sounds familiar, it's possible that a break up is in your future. However, it's important to note that there are perfectly good reasons for any of these behaviours. They don't really prove anything but could be solid circumstantial evidence that a crime of the heart is about to be perpetrated.
If you honestly believe he's going to break up with you, you'll need to decide if you want to beat him to it and end the relationship first. But since there's still a margin for error, it might be best to have a non-confrontational conversation with him. Avoid the "state of the relationship" talk; it's far too early for that.
Instead, the next time you're together in a private setting, tell him how you're feeling. Yes, it's scary to put your emotions on the line. And yes, there's a possibility he'll stomp all over your heart. But it's just as possible that he'll appreciate your honesty and either allay your fears or be equally forthcoming about his doubts. As corny as it sounds, honesty is the best policy.
Here are some tips for having the tough conversation:
State the issue positively
Think about what you want or need from him and develop some solutions for remedying the problem. For instance, "When you don't call when you say you will, I feel like you're no longer interested." It's important to take responsibility for the way you feel instead of blaming him - and to take part in improving the situation.
Address your concerns openly
"There's something I want to talk to you about that's really hard for me to discuss. Please hear me out first and don't say anything until I've finished." This sends the signal that this is a serious conversation without putting him on edge.
Choose your words carefully
You don't want to put him on the offensive, so avoid accusatory language like: "I know you're going to break up with me" or "You make me feel...". Once he feels accused - rightly or wrongly - he'll stop listening and start forming his defense. If you're comfortable talking to a friend, ask for his/her help in finding ways to verbalize your feelings in a style that is most comfortable for you.
If this information doesn't make you feel any better, maybe these results will. Match.com surveyed online singles, asking them to look back over their dating lives and determine in which season they were most likely to break up with a romantic partner - or be broken up with. Here's what they said:
Spring 15%
Summer 23%
Autumn 23%
Winter 38%
At least according to the statistics, the odds are in your favour that the boot won't come down any time soon. Consider all this information before you worry another second - or make any decisions. Good luck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ask yourself this: "If we start dating online, is it acceptable to break up online?" According to a Match.com survey, an email break-up is not an acceptable way to end a relationship: Only three percent said yes; almost two-thirds (63 percent) said no way. Thirty-four percent of those surveyed said email could be a valuable breakup venue, depending on the circumstances.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is Friendster the 'Next Big Thing'?
Why millions are jumping on this online bandwagon
It used to be if you wanted to win more friends, influence more people or make more money, you bought one of those self-improvement tomes and tried to pump up your personality.
These days, all you have to do is go online and join a "social networking" site. The pumping will be done for you.
If you haven’t yet heard of social networking, stay tuned because it’s the Next Big Thing. New Economy magazine Business 2.0 named it "technology of the year" for 2003, and venture capitalists have started throwing money at social networking startups with a zeal not seen since the first generation of dot-coms came down the pike.
Don’t be surprised if a year from now your everyday conversation is peppered with references to Friendster, Spoke, Ryze, LinkedIn, Tribe.net, ZeroDegrees — or to other sites not yet launched.
The phenomenon is new and it’s hot, but it has a very old soul. In fact, the process that drives social networking is found at the heart of all societies and civilizations: the human need to make common cause, to cooperate with others of the species to achieve a whole variety of goals and meet a whole variety of needs — physical, emotional, social, economic, political.
Degrees of Separation
In our own comparatively gentle times, schmoozing has become the preferred networking method and the rolodex its indispensable tool. The drill by now is familiar: You need help accomplishing something ¬— finding a date, completing a deal — so you call someone in your primary circle of friends and acquaintances, not necessarily because you think they’ll be able to help directly but because they might know someone who can.
You make a call, and another, and another, working your way toward the outer limits of your social reach. Generally, if you keep at it — and persistence is as much a key to success as style — you find who or what you’re looking for.
Social networking sites speed and expand the process through digital technology and the Internet, allowing users to create searchable databases of friends and business contacts. Still, the underlying principle is the same: Who you know now is key to who you’re going to know in the future and to what you’re going to achieve, whether in love or business.
On sites devoted to purely social matters, enrollees are required to provide personal profiles, photos and real names (imagine that!) and encouraged to bring friends along. Of course the friends bring friends who bring friends and before long an impressive and interconnected social universe has been created.
A friendship functions within the network the way it does offline, as a bridge into new relationships — the source of an introduction to a potential date or of a character reference if the ice already has been broken. Members also are free to conduct blind searches of the whole network based on common interests.
The functionality of some of the business-oriented sites is even more impressive. Spoke, for example, analyzes a participating company’s e-mail archives, contact lists, address books and calendars to create a detailed map of all the organization’s internal relationships as well as those emanating out to other companies.
A sales manager might not have a contact at potential customer firm, but by consulting the relationship map discovers that someone else in the company does. The route is pursued, and the sale is made. Shazam!
Welcome to the new world of the uber-schmooze. Get hip to it, and your personal and business lives may never be the same.
Another Internet Bubble?
Millions already have. Silicon Valley-based Friendster, a focus of much marketplace buzz, has enlisted 4 million members since its founding early in 2003 and by year’s end was the recipient of $14 million in venture capital beneficence. At about the same time, its Palo Alto neighbor Spoke Software, a 2002 startup, scored more than $9 million in venture funding.
All the fervor has skeptics talking of a social networking bubble and its inevitable collapse. While such speculation is premature, issues do have to be resolved — functionality and privacy concerns among them — before the sector can be judged a safe bet.
Perhaps the strongest arguments for social networking’s success has nothing to do with the bottom-line success of the companies behind the sites. Rather it’s one of those unintended consequences that’s no less welcome and needed for being unexpected.
By bringing a real-world relationship model online — one where individuals are identified and held accountable — social networking has the potential to make the Internet a healthier, more civil place.
Not yet 10 years into its public history, the Internet’s record as a social venue is a mixed bag, with technology’s boon — e-mail, instant messaging, the online community of chat rooms and message boards — offset by bad tendencies and behaviors.
Identity Crisis
The most lurid feature of Internet life, that an estimated 6 percent of Web users meet the clinical criteria for addiction, is not necessarily the most disturbing. These compulsive souls will conjure their particular obsessions — for porn, gambling, stock trading, auctions — through whatever medium. The Internet has not made them addicts, though its convenience has appeal.
More troubling, because of their numbers if nothing else, are the non-obsessives who get caught in traps that, while certainly of their own making, are constructions unique to the Web.
Internet dating, as it has existed prior to social networking, is for many practitioners a kind of digital meat market. Think "Looking for Mr. Goodbar," only you don’t have to get up, get dressed and endure a smoky saloon.
And let’s be honest about chat rooms, putatively the cyber equivalent of the office water cooler. Yes, they are convenient places to trade information and establish relationships, but that’s not the whole story.
Around a water cooler we deal face to face with people who, if we don’t personally know them, at least are identifiable. This means that bad or boorish behavior has consequences. Not so online, where chat room visitors hide behind pseudonyms, secure in the knowledge that the worst penalty they’ll pay for the worst sort of behavior is banishment from the board.
By making identities known and relationships transparent, social networking has the potential to set a salubrious precedent. And if a few gutsy entrepreneurs make some money in the process, so much the better.
I met a nice man online about a month ago. We go out frequently and seem to get along fairly well, but I have the sense there's something missing. I've only been dating him for a few weeks, but I suspect he's about to give me the boot. How can I tell if he's about to dump me?
- Nervously Waiting
Dear Nervously Waiting,
You didn't give me any specific behaviours that led you to this conclusion, so I can offer only general tips. Before you start ripping up his photographs or eating a pint of your favourite ice cream to soothe the pain, let's examine the situation more closely.
While a woman's intuition is strong, it can be overridden by other emotions like fear or insecurity.
Are you afraid of being dumped? Nobody likes to be, but it's part of dating, and it helps to be as philosophical about it as possible. This relationship is fairly new, so the stakes are still relatively low, aren't they? And isn't it better to know now rather than farther down the road when your lives are seriously entwined? Changing your attitude won't avoid the pain altogether, but it will help you get back in the dating game faster.
Or could it be that your self-esteem is a little low? Are you concerned that he's too good for you? Or simply convinced that this one will end as others have - in a break-up that leaves you gutted? Just because a relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean you're a bad or unworthy person. It just means you need to keep looking. There really is someone out there for everyone. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find him.
Be sure to check in with your gut before you go any further. Ask yourself if you really think he's going to break up or if you're just overly concerned about harmless behaviours.
Here are a few sure-fire signs that something's up:
He stops calling or checking in and/or stops taking your calls
He's suddenly unavailable for dates
He radically changes his look
He makes a lot of pathetic excuses
If this sounds familiar, it's possible that a break up is in your future. However, it's important to note that there are perfectly good reasons for any of these behaviours. They don't really prove anything but could be solid circumstantial evidence that a crime of the heart is about to be perpetrated.
If you honestly believe he's going to break up with you, you'll need to decide if you want to beat him to it and end the relationship first. But since there's still a margin for error, it might be best to have a non-confrontational conversation with him. Avoid the "state of the relationship" talk; it's far too early for that.
Instead, the next time you're together in a private setting, tell him how you're feeling. Yes, it's scary to put your emotions on the line. And yes, there's a possibility he'll stomp all over your heart. But it's just as possible that he'll appreciate your honesty and either allay your fears or be equally forthcoming about his doubts. As corny as it sounds, honesty is the best policy.
Here are some tips for having the tough conversation:
State the issue positively
Think about what you want or need from him and develop some solutions for remedying the problem. For instance, "When you don't call when you say you will, I feel like you're no longer interested." It's important to take responsibility for the way you feel instead of blaming him - and to take part in improving the situation.
Address your concerns openly
"There's something I want to talk to you about that's really hard for me to discuss. Please hear me out first and don't say anything until I've finished." This sends the signal that this is a serious conversation without putting him on edge.
Choose your words carefully
You don't want to put him on the offensive, so avoid accusatory language like: "I know you're going to break up with me" or "You make me feel...". Once he feels accused - rightly or wrongly - he'll stop listening and start forming his defense. If you're comfortable talking to a friend, ask for his/her help in finding ways to verbalize your feelings in a style that is most comfortable for you.
If this information doesn't make you feel any better, maybe these results will. Match.com surveyed online singles, asking them to look back over their dating lives and determine in which season they were most likely to break up with a romantic partner - or be broken up with. Here's what they said:
Spring 15%
Summer 23%
Autumn 23%
Winter 38%
At least according to the statistics, the odds are in your favour that the boot won't come down any time soon. Consider all this information before you worry another second - or make any decisions. Good luck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ask yourself this: "If we start dating online, is it acceptable to break up online?" According to a Match.com survey, an email break-up is not an acceptable way to end a relationship: Only three percent said yes; almost two-thirds (63 percent) said no way. Thirty-four percent of those surveyed said email could be a valuable breakup venue, depending on the circumstances.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is Friendster the 'Next Big Thing'?
Why millions are jumping on this online bandwagon
It used to be if you wanted to win more friends, influence more people or make more money, you bought one of those self-improvement tomes and tried to pump up your personality.
These days, all you have to do is go online and join a "social networking" site. The pumping will be done for you.
If you haven’t yet heard of social networking, stay tuned because it’s the Next Big Thing. New Economy magazine Business 2.0 named it "technology of the year" for 2003, and venture capitalists have started throwing money at social networking startups with a zeal not seen since the first generation of dot-coms came down the pike.
Don’t be surprised if a year from now your everyday conversation is peppered with references to Friendster, Spoke, Ryze, LinkedIn, Tribe.net, ZeroDegrees — or to other sites not yet launched.
The phenomenon is new and it’s hot, but it has a very old soul. In fact, the process that drives social networking is found at the heart of all societies and civilizations: the human need to make common cause, to cooperate with others of the species to achieve a whole variety of goals and meet a whole variety of needs — physical, emotional, social, economic, political.
Degrees of Separation
In our own comparatively gentle times, schmoozing has become the preferred networking method and the rolodex its indispensable tool. The drill by now is familiar: You need help accomplishing something ¬— finding a date, completing a deal — so you call someone in your primary circle of friends and acquaintances, not necessarily because you think they’ll be able to help directly but because they might know someone who can.
You make a call, and another, and another, working your way toward the outer limits of your social reach. Generally, if you keep at it — and persistence is as much a key to success as style — you find who or what you’re looking for.
Social networking sites speed and expand the process through digital technology and the Internet, allowing users to create searchable databases of friends and business contacts. Still, the underlying principle is the same: Who you know now is key to who you’re going to know in the future and to what you’re going to achieve, whether in love or business.
On sites devoted to purely social matters, enrollees are required to provide personal profiles, photos and real names (imagine that!) and encouraged to bring friends along. Of course the friends bring friends who bring friends and before long an impressive and interconnected social universe has been created.
A friendship functions within the network the way it does offline, as a bridge into new relationships — the source of an introduction to a potential date or of a character reference if the ice already has been broken. Members also are free to conduct blind searches of the whole network based on common interests.
The functionality of some of the business-oriented sites is even more impressive. Spoke, for example, analyzes a participating company’s e-mail archives, contact lists, address books and calendars to create a detailed map of all the organization’s internal relationships as well as those emanating out to other companies.
A sales manager might not have a contact at potential customer firm, but by consulting the relationship map discovers that someone else in the company does. The route is pursued, and the sale is made. Shazam!
Welcome to the new world of the uber-schmooze. Get hip to it, and your personal and business lives may never be the same.
Another Internet Bubble?
Millions already have. Silicon Valley-based Friendster, a focus of much marketplace buzz, has enlisted 4 million members since its founding early in 2003 and by year’s end was the recipient of $14 million in venture capital beneficence. At about the same time, its Palo Alto neighbor Spoke Software, a 2002 startup, scored more than $9 million in venture funding.
All the fervor has skeptics talking of a social networking bubble and its inevitable collapse. While such speculation is premature, issues do have to be resolved — functionality and privacy concerns among them — before the sector can be judged a safe bet.
Perhaps the strongest arguments for social networking’s success has nothing to do with the bottom-line success of the companies behind the sites. Rather it’s one of those unintended consequences that’s no less welcome and needed for being unexpected.
By bringing a real-world relationship model online — one where individuals are identified and held accountable — social networking has the potential to make the Internet a healthier, more civil place.
Not yet 10 years into its public history, the Internet’s record as a social venue is a mixed bag, with technology’s boon — e-mail, instant messaging, the online community of chat rooms and message boards — offset by bad tendencies and behaviors.
Identity Crisis
The most lurid feature of Internet life, that an estimated 6 percent of Web users meet the clinical criteria for addiction, is not necessarily the most disturbing. These compulsive souls will conjure their particular obsessions — for porn, gambling, stock trading, auctions — through whatever medium. The Internet has not made them addicts, though its convenience has appeal.
More troubling, because of their numbers if nothing else, are the non-obsessives who get caught in traps that, while certainly of their own making, are constructions unique to the Web.
Internet dating, as it has existed prior to social networking, is for many practitioners a kind of digital meat market. Think "Looking for Mr. Goodbar," only you don’t have to get up, get dressed and endure a smoky saloon.
And let’s be honest about chat rooms, putatively the cyber equivalent of the office water cooler. Yes, they are convenient places to trade information and establish relationships, but that’s not the whole story.
Around a water cooler we deal face to face with people who, if we don’t personally know them, at least are identifiable. This means that bad or boorish behavior has consequences. Not so online, where chat room visitors hide behind pseudonyms, secure in the knowledge that the worst penalty they’ll pay for the worst sort of behavior is banishment from the board.
By making identities known and relationships transparent, social networking has the potential to set a salubrious precedent. And if a few gutsy entrepreneurs make some money in the process, so much the better.
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