7 office party no-nos


Marketing Intelligence / Joanna L. Krotz


It's prime time for that yearly forced folly: the corporate holiday hoopla. What can you expect during these oh-so-joyful weeks that begin with the gothic costumes of October, wing through the turkeys of November and collapse in the confetti of New Year's?

You guessed it: business parties.

You will attend events that host clients, impress customers, thank vendors, honor staff and introduce family or significant others. You'll be required to suffer the hyperactive, sugar-dosed little children, who'd rather be anywhere else. You will be invited to all-purpose merry dos designed to reunite the tribe, be that corporate, professional or collegial.

Such functions, with preparation and forethought, can be worked to your advantage. Do some homework on the guest list and, when you arrive, make a subtle beeline for the client or CEO who has previously refused you the time of day.

Not to talk business — oh no. Bringing up business at a business party is crass and inappropriate. But you can connect to big enchiladas as a fellow soccer player, antiques collector, Grateful Dead aficionado or fill-in-the-blank. Down the line, it might help land a contract or promotion

Just be forewarned. This is not really your time for fun. These may be social situations but they're wrapped in pinstriped cloth (OK, OK — khaki, perhaps).

Social etiquette is based on chivalry, or the concept that women need care and protection, says Hilka Klinkenberg, founder and managing director of Etiquette International in New York. Business etiquette, on the other hand, has military origins. It's based on hierarchy and power.

Plus, special rules apply during the holidays. Attendance, for example, is usually mandatory. You cannot skip the office bash on pretext of your kid's birthday, the way you can events in February or June. You also cannot treat these parties casually. Expectations and tensions are too high for that. Do not show up fashionably late or leave embarrassingly early.


Career-limiting mistakes

But even if a party winds down without you having made an ally of the boss's husband or the customer's wife, the least you can do is get through each and every one with your dignity and sobriety intact. Positively horrific blunders that can't bear the light of mornings after are typically caused by getting too soused or suggestive. Avoid this at all costs.

Now get set, on your mark. And before you actually go, make sure you don't fall prey to any of these absolute no-nos. Besides making a pass or passing out, the seven worst things you can do at a business holiday party are:

1.BYOB. Bring your own baby, that is. It doesn't matter if the sitter came down with a case of bubonic plague. Make alternative arrangements. Call every pal you ever had and beg. Do not — repeat — do not strap on the Snuggly and bring the baby to the ball.

2.Complain about the food, décor, entertainment or venue. Be it ever so tacky or sub-par, someone with power over you is attempting to say thanks and/or show off. If you cannot be gracious, be silent.

3.Pull rank. Never ask a subordinate to get you a drink, give up a seat or let you break into the buffet line. This will inevitably come back to haunt you in ways obvious (the subordinate takes over the company) and/or subtle (the hotshot you're recruiting next week noticed and is now convinced you have no class at all).

4.Criticize your partner or spouse in front of co-workers. Before showing up, make a pact with each other. Or bribe Mr. or Ms. Loose Lips with whatever it takes as an after-the-party payoff. This is not the occasion on which to joke about how the little woman CFO always gets shortchanged at the supermarket.

5.Gossip. This means about anyone or anything. If you indulge, you will discover — without fail — that the guy you've been ignoring on your left is actually the brother of the woman on the dance floor you've been taking apart. What's more, he was at the rear of the elevator on the way up and heard your excited news about the interview you have scheduled next week at his nephew's cool new venture. Guess who really just got dished?

6.Bring up your championship season. Don't push aside the tables to perform the tango routine that — amazing! — you still remember. Don't send the bread barreling across the room to reproduce that record-breaking pass. Don't demonstrate your prowess at spelling eight-syllable words.

7.Run your ideology up the flagpole. OK, listen. We don't care that you're a vegetarian, libertarian, Rotarian or Scientologist. We further don't want to hear an evangelical lecture about gardening, macrobiotic diets, Broadway musicals or whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa. We also refuse to measure the exact weight — or lack thereof — of Ralph Nader's gravitas. It's a party. Move it along.

And best wishes for a very wise silly season.